Who are these people that feel like it’s okay to use the self check out lane with a cart full of groceries? While it is not explicitly mentioned anywhere, I feel like it is pretty obvious who those lanes are for.

They’re for people who have a hand full of items and want to get out of the store as quickly as is humanly possible.

They’re for single people who cook for one.

They’re for people who don’t want to have to make small talk with the cashier. “No, I don’t want a Kroger Plus card.”

They’re for when the patron can do it faster than the employee.

They’re…for me.

They’re NOT for the Super Mom with two carts filled with groceries and children climbing on, over and around said carts.

They’re NOT for people with two dozen different produce items who spend no less than 45 seconds staring at a sheet of produce codes for every item. “Asparagus, asparagus, asparagus…Ma’m where is the asparguson on this list?” The list is in alphabetical order.

They’re NOT for the elderly, or anyone for that matter, that can’t figure out how to use them.

They’re NOT for anyone with coupons. I know it asks if you have any coupons, but stay away. Save that shit for the cashier.

And last but not least, they’re NOT for anyone who is paying with a check. A check? At the grocery store? Really? Get a debit card.

Grumpy Bear has a friend that recently left for a trip to Europe and she wrote an email after the second day talking about all the sites she had seen and how tired she was from walking all day. Sounds terrible. It got this bear thinking: why do people love to travel so much? Grumpy Bear frequents the internet dating site, match.com and profile after profile, “I love to travel”, “I love traveling...”. And people who love to travel, the only thing they love to do more than travel is brag about all the places they’ve traveled to. “When I was in Paris, blah, blah, blah...it was amazing.” It doesn’t matter where they went, it was amazing...or beautiful...or incredible. And the food; the food is always amazing. “You’ve never had pasta unless you’ve had pasta is Venice.” Shut up. Grumpy Bear refuses to believe that the Italians are the only people in the world who can make great pasta. “I had a Guinness at the Brewery in Dublin. Sooooooo much better than here in the states.” Grumpy Bear calls bullshit. Soooooooo much better?

Grumpy Bear hates traveling. It’s always a disappointment. Everything looks better on film anyway. Any time Grumpy Bear has been somewhere that was in a movie or in pictures, it’s ruined forever. Saw Ocean’s Eleven and thought it would be cool to stay at the Bellagio. Stayed at the Bellagio. RUINED. He’d never been on a cruise but always wanted to. Went on a cruise. RUINED. Mexico. RUINED. New York City. RUINED. Boston. RUINED. Wine tasting in southern California. It’s no Sideways. RUINED.

Then people say, ‘Yea, but it’s all about the experience.” Well if the experience sucks, what’s the point?

It reminds him of the scene in Goodwill Hunting where Robin Williams tells Matt Damon that he could probably tell him everything there is to know about Michelangelo, but he couldn’t tell him what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. Here’s what would happen if Grumpy Bear went to the Sistine Chapel. “Yea, it wasn’t as big as I thought it was...and it smelled fuckin’ old.” RUINED.

How ‘bout the pyramids in Egypt...”It was hot as fuck.” RUINED.

The Eiffel Tower? “It was foggy that day. Couldn’t see shit.” RUINED.

Australia? Half way into the 18 hour flight, “Get-me-off-this-plane.” RUINED.

Scotland? “It looked greener in Braveheart.” RUINED.

The Louvre? “I spent four hours pretending to appreciate fine art, stood ten feet away from the Mona Lisa behind a glass wall, and it didn’t look any different than the print hanging over my toilet.” RUINED.

How ‘bout here in the US? Cedar Point. “I guess that was a big roller coaster.” RUINED.

The Grand Canyon? “It just a big hole in the ground, man.” RUINED.

Perhaps it comes down to expectations. Perhaps Grumpy Bear has set the bar too high, but he wants to be blown away. He wants to see the Grand Canyon and have his breath taken away, to see something truly awesome, that is, something awesome in the true, original meaning of the word awesome. Just once, he’d like to be able to come home from a vacation and brag to strangers, “When I was in Brazil, blah, blah, blah...it was amazing.”

Instead, “I’ve been studying Spanish for a year for this trip...What? Portuguese?” RUINED.

Grumpy Bear hasn’t given this album much of a listen, but one thing is for sure, the title of this new Amiee Mann album is something I can get behind:

@#%&*! Smilers